Revisited
List from Grace Upon Amazing Grace, Chapter 29
One Year to Sixteen
Years
Defining
Words
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After 16
years of Tim entering heaven, I found it interesting to revisit this list I
wrote for my memoir on grief. One may find it in chapter 29 titled “One Year.” God
prompted me to rewrite the list for such a time as this--how unfathomable time
and memories fleet yet leave their everlasting notches. Sixteen years! He’d be
41--surreal; his 42nd birthday at the end of September. It’s
impossible to imagine the 40-year-old Timmy. Sometimes I ponder how he might be
living his life. When you’re in the midst of trying to get through a day, maybe
a week at a time, the possibilities of future years to come did not manifest
themselves too much. I am very aware every day that he is not here, but God has
opened up the heavens in such a grand way on earth. An eternal perspective is
truly healing. Memories keep him alive and I welcome those feelings. Knowing He
is with God and that our gracious Lord made that known to me in such a short
period of time— nothing but amazing grace and perfect love in abundance. Who
could have known that this pain might be used for His glory? I am thankful for
the opportunity to tell my story and be encouraged in my writing. In sacrifice,
as you seek His will, blessings come.
Worship means
so much more to me now. Because of the goodness of the Lord through this hard
thing, God’s presence in my life is palpable—comforting me in the large space
of Timmy’s physical absence. The butterfly dances on air as a reminder and a
symbol of God’s metamorphosis in us all and what He has promised. Growing
exponentially in confidence in Him to do things through this story I never
imagined, I found purpose in encouraging others, leading groups, taking steps
of faith in things and believing in united strength for the impossible. Life is
still difficult and prayers await in God’s sovereign queue to be answered in
ways I’d never orchestrate. I know the God I serve and He reigns victorious.
I made a
choice in my son’s passing. I grieved long and hard yet at the same time I
intentionally sought God. Many make a choice at one time or another that they
believe in God, in what Jesus took and relinquished on the cross, our sin and
separation and what He conquered and what He restored, death and communion once
again with our creator—God’s part. The next steps lead us into His will and
peace, His righteousness. It takes me with God being intentional to grow, to
heal, to find purpose, to gain insight, to see things eternally. So many just
stop at the believing. Scripture speaks to that. It’s like getting on a roller
coaster and it breaks down half way. He has given me carte blanche to the
amusement park, why would I not want to discover more? In that, I recognize His grace upon grace
everyday despite the world’s crazy around me.
One Year,
sixteen years. “I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness
of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let
your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:13-14).
Blessed be
Your Name
On the road
marked with suffering
Though there
is pain in the offering
Blessed be
Your Name.
You give and
take away
You give and
take away
My heart will
choose to say
Lord, blessed
be your Name.
You can read
these lists 2 ways. First, one list and then the other. But in hindsight, I
found reading straight across,--it became even more powerful. That was not
intentional by me, but God…He chose to bless me by my own words. Grace Upon
Grace.
Original List Updated List
Significant loss Reality
Spiritual Insight Everlasting Love
Anxiousness Awareness
Peace Eternal Perspective
Blood First Born
Grace Amazing Grace
Exhaustion Exhaling
Rest Refreshed
Numb Memories
Sensitive Alive
Absent With the Lord
Omnipresent My Comfort
Doubt Opportunity
Confidence Strength
Holding On Sacrifice
Letting
Go Blessed
Mine Gift
His Purposed
Falling Over Humble posture
Lifted
Up Powerful worship
Out of Sight Wait for it
Heaven
on Earth Butterfly Blessings
Empty Refills
Full Overflowing
Questions Seeking More of Him
Promises Hope Eternal
Doubtful Transparent
Purposeful Tell my Story
Needy Needed
Inspired Gift of Exhortation
Thank you for considering my writing. In the New Testament in the book of James (James 1:2-4) he tells us as well, to consider. As Pastor Chuck Swindoll reminds us in his latest book, "Clinging to Hope", to consider is to "consciously choose to do something, something that doesn't come easy, but takes an act of will."
God considered you and me in and for a divine purpose. Consider and accept His healing love for you today my friend.
Considerably yours,
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