The Last Petal, a poetic thought from two perspectives of pain and hope.

 

The Last Petal

Two Perspectives

                                                        

Winter rain finally came. 

The dreary hangs over the already weary;

The drizzle, the drench

Does not quench --no foundation

Sinkholes, torrents on every side

Collide. 

 

Break thru the mist--

Prayers for absorption.

Promise of Spring

All things new. 

But it's the same old...

Why this low cloud pressure-

The puddles so blue? 

Need of a sunshine measure

To paint the rainbow smile

Always hope, right? 

I'll plant the seeds,

Grace, stay for more than awhile 

 

Love pulls her feet; let’s breathe together

Look. Listen. See. 

No rain weather.

Find it! Dear one

It's your life raft, Beloved...

 

I just want rest...

 

Closing in, each petal painfully plucked.

I see no beauty now, did I ever?

In Your Creation

“The moon and stars…” she reads

“I am so much more”...she insists.

Am I? 

The bath is drawn to once more 

Try and cleanse the infested.

And in the aftermath 

Of confusion and grief,

You and me memories will never be brief.

The deeper pool of promise

 Intentionally I submerge, 

 

Again and again

For God is good and merciful and true

Even in the last petal, 

Through this new quench of tears,

May Your Glory emerge. 

   Considerably yours,  Coleene   

SUICIDE AND CRISES LIFELINE DIAL 988   

One Year to Sixteen Years

 

Revisited List from Grace Upon Amazing Grace, Chapter 29

One Year to Sixteen Years

Defining Words

After 16 years of Tim entering heaven, I found it interesting to revisit this list I wrote for my memoir on grief. One may find it in chapter 29 titled “One Year.” God prompted me to rewrite the list for such a time as this--how unfathomable time and memories fleet yet leave their everlasting notches. Sixteen years! He’d be 41--surreal; his 42^nd birthday at the end of September. It’s impossible to imagine the 40-year-old Timmy. Sometimes I ponder how he might be living his life. When you’re in the midst of trying to get through a day, maybe a week at a time, the possibilities of future years to come did not manifest themselves too much. I am very aware every day that he is not here, but God has opened up the heavens in such a grand way on earth. An eternal perspective is truly healing. Memories keep him alive and I welcome those feelings. Knowing He is with God and that our gracious Lord made that known to me in such a short period of time— nothing but amazing grace and perfect love in abundance. Who could have known that this pain might be used for His glory? I am thankful for the opportunity to tell my story and be encouraged in my writing. In sacrifice, as you seek His will, blessings come.

 

Worship means so much more to me now. Because of the goodness of the Lord through this hard thing, God’s presence in my life is palpable—comforting me in the large space of Timmy’s physical absence. The butterfly dances on air as a reminder and a symbol of God’s metamorphosis in us all and what He has promised. Growing exponentially in confidence in Him to do things through this story I never imagined, I found purpose in encouraging others, leading groups, taking steps of faith in things and believing in united strength for the impossible. Life is still difficult and prayers await in God’s sovereign queue to be answered in ways I’d never orchestrate. I know the God I serve and He reigns victorious.

I made a choice in my son’s passing. I grieved long and hard yet at the same time I intentionally sought God. Many make a choice at one time or another that they believe in God, in what Jesus took and relinquished on the cross, our sin and separation and what He conquered and what He restored, death and communion once again with our creator—God’s part. The next steps lead us into His will and peace, His righteousness. It takes me with God being intentional to grow, to heal, to find purpose, to gain insight, to see things eternally. So many just stop at the believing. Scripture speaks to that. It’s like getting on a roller coaster and it breaks down half way. He has given me carte blanche to the amusement park, why would I not want to discover more?  In that, I recognize His grace upon grace everyday despite the world’s crazy around me.

One Year, sixteen years. “I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord.”  (Psalm 27:13-14).

 

 

Blessed be Your Name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there is pain in the offering

Blessed be Your Name.

 

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be your Name.

 

You can read these lists 2 ways. First, one list and then the other. But in hindsight, I found reading straight across,--it became even more powerful. That was not intentional by me, but God…He chose to bless me by my own words. Grace Upon Grace.

 

 

Original List                   Updated List

 

Significant loss                   Reality 

Spiritual Insight                  Everlasting Love 

Anxiousness                       Awareness 

Peace                                Eternal Perspective 

Blood                                 First Born 

Grace                                 Amazing Grace 

Exhaustion                          Exhaling 

Rest                                   Refreshed      

Numb                                 Memories 

Sensitive                             Alive

Absent                                With the Lord 

Omnipresent                       My Comfort 

Doubt                                 Opportunity 

Confidence                          Strength 

Holding On                          Sacrifice          

Letting Go                           Blessed 

Mine                                   Gift 

His                                     Purposed 

Falling Over                        Humble posture 

Lifted Up                            Powerful worship 

Out of Sight                        Wait for it

Heaven on Earth                 Butterfly Blessings 

Empty                                Refills 

Full                                    Overflowing 

Questions                           Seeking More of Him 

Promises                             Hope Eternal 

Doubtful                             Transparent 

Purposeful                           Tell my Story 

Needy                                 Needed        

Inspired                              Gift of Exhortation 

Thank you for considering my writing. In the New Testament in the book of James (James 1:2-4) he tells us as well, to consider. As Pastor Chuck Swindoll reminds us in his latest book, "Clinging to Hope", to consider is to "consciously choose to do something, something that doesn't come easy, but takes an act of will."  

God considered you and me in and for a divine purpose. Consider and accept His healing love for you today my friend. 

Considerably yours, 

 

Silence Gifts

 

Inspired by the author, Ann Voscamp ( "A Thousand Gifts"), as well as Scripture, a friend from a group I fellowship with on a regular basis posts a prompt for every day in the month of November for us to reflect on this time of the year.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 “ Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Here is today's prompt: Name three gifts found in silence. The three things below were my response.

The flutter of a butterfly wing. The Holy Spirit’s direction. Silence in and of itself.

Thought I’d write more on my blog today. 

Have you ever heard it? A butterfly wing—the movement of air and delicate powdery wings overhead? When I sit alongside my butterfly garden, especially in the spring when there are frequently more than one butterfly, I can hear it. It is a sound of freedom, of rebirth, of meeting a goal, a purposeful fulfillment of the master plan in do diligence of a greater will, magnificent metamorphic creation! 

Sometimes the Holy Spirit’s voice is very obvious and loud and we celebrate in corporate worship and song. But, sometimes, the voice of the Spirit is gentle in our quiet hearts, in our pleading and privileged prayers or in between the lines of God’s Word—a personal revealing direction to go ahead or most of the time, to wait and to trust. There is a strength that comes from this silence. Trusting in Him has its own sound; it is a sigh, a release of anxiety, a movement of debris so we can sit comfortably under the Rock, shut the doors of the Fortress from the world’s thoughts and ideas minus a sovereign God.

Sometimes, silence is a lonely feeling. One can miss the noise of a loved one gone, or working from home instead of the office, or just when there are no words to justify a wrong action or deep hurt. But silence can bring a reflection, an insight we may not have heard in the world’s rumble and continued banter of perceived truth. Silence in itself is a gift, because it is just that--noticed. We can use our other senses to take in more—stand in awe at the sight of God’s beauty in Creation, appreciate more of the tangible gifts we use every day and blessed by, that we can touch and share with others-- a soft cheek of a toddler, the pie dough coming together in our palms, the ding of a notification from a friend who shares how your story led them to see… hear God in a new way. We can taste the satisfaction, the swallowing and digesting of God’s Holy Plan and most importantly, the fullness in submission, the surrender to that plan in trust. The air around us fills our lungs and we breathe and smell the difference between what is rotten and what is righteous.

Gifts in silence are not silent.

They are loud explosions of love in our hearts that God is Good and that He loves us in our loud messy days and in our quiet humble moments. In silence is where are strength is increased.

Psalm 62:5-6 "My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken."

And isn’t it just like God to grant me grace upon amazing grace as I finish these last few words, that my stereo is now playing a classic Christmas song by Bing Crosby, “Silent Night.”

Gifts in silence are Holy.  Oh, Hear His Voice in the silence of your own soul my friends. It is a beautiful moment going into all of eternity. 

All is calm, all is bright.

Peace, Coleene