The Last Petal, a poetic thought from two perspectives of pain and hope.

 

The Last Petal

Two Perspectives

                                                        

Winter rain finally came. 

The dreary hangs over the already weary;

The drizzle, the drench

Does not quench --no foundation

Sinkholes, torrents on every side

Collide. 

 

Break thru the mist--

Prayers for absorption.

Promise of Spring

All things new. 

But it's the same old...

Why this low cloud pressure-

The puddles so blue? 

Need of a sunshine measure

To paint the rainbow smile

Always hope, right? 

I'll plant the seeds,

Grace, stay for more than awhile 

 

Love pulls her feet; let’s breathe together

Look. Listen. See. 

No rain weather.

Find it! Dear one

It's your life raft, Beloved...

 

I just want rest...

 

Closing in, each petal painfully plucked.

I see no beauty now, did I ever?

In Your Creation

“The moon and stars…” she reads

“I am so much more”...she insists.

Am I? 

The bath is drawn to once more 

Try and cleanse the infested.

And in the aftermath 

Of confusion and grief,

You and me memories will never be brief.

The deeper pool of promise

 Intentionally I submerge, 

 

Again and again

For God is good and merciful and true

Even in the last petal, 

Through this new quench of tears,

May Your Glory emerge. 

   Considerably yours,  Coleene   

SUICIDE AND CRISES LIFELINE DIAL 988   

One Year to Sixteen Years

 

Revisited List from Grace Upon Amazing Grace, Chapter 29

One Year to Sixteen Years

Defining Words

After 16 years of Tim entering heaven, I found it interesting to revisit this list I wrote for my memoir on grief. One may find it in chapter 29 titled “One Year.” God prompted me to rewrite the list for such a time as this--how unfathomable time and memories fleet yet leave their everlasting notches. Sixteen years! He’d be 41--surreal; his 42^nd birthday at the end of September. It’s impossible to imagine the 40-year-old Timmy. Sometimes I ponder how he might be living his life. When you’re in the midst of trying to get through a day, maybe a week at a time, the possibilities of future years to come did not manifest themselves too much. I am very aware every day that he is not here, but God has opened up the heavens in such a grand way on earth. An eternal perspective is truly healing. Memories keep him alive and I welcome those feelings. Knowing He is with God and that our gracious Lord made that known to me in such a short period of time— nothing but amazing grace and perfect love in abundance. Who could have known that this pain might be used for His glory? I am thankful for the opportunity to tell my story and be encouraged in my writing. In sacrifice, as you seek His will, blessings come.

 

Worship means so much more to me now. Because of the goodness of the Lord through this hard thing, God’s presence in my life is palpable—comforting me in the large space of Timmy’s physical absence. The butterfly dances on air as a reminder and a symbol of God’s metamorphosis in us all and what He has promised. Growing exponentially in confidence in Him to do things through this story I never imagined, I found purpose in encouraging others, leading groups, taking steps of faith in things and believing in united strength for the impossible. Life is still difficult and prayers await in God’s sovereign queue to be answered in ways I’d never orchestrate. I know the God I serve and He reigns victorious.

I made a choice in my son’s passing. I grieved long and hard yet at the same time I intentionally sought God. Many make a choice at one time or another that they believe in God, in what Jesus took and relinquished on the cross, our sin and separation and what He conquered and what He restored, death and communion once again with our creator—God’s part. The next steps lead us into His will and peace, His righteousness. It takes me with God being intentional to grow, to heal, to find purpose, to gain insight, to see things eternally. So many just stop at the believing. Scripture speaks to that. It’s like getting on a roller coaster and it breaks down half way. He has given me carte blanche to the amusement park, why would I not want to discover more?  In that, I recognize His grace upon grace everyday despite the world’s crazy around me.

One Year, sixteen years. “I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord.”  (Psalm 27:13-14).

 

 

Blessed be Your Name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there is pain in the offering

Blessed be Your Name.

 

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be your Name.

 

You can read these lists 2 ways. First, one list and then the other. But in hindsight, I found reading straight across,--it became even more powerful. That was not intentional by me, but God…He chose to bless me by my own words. Grace Upon Grace.

 

 

Original List                   Updated List

 

Significant loss                   Reality 

Spiritual Insight                  Everlasting Love 

Anxiousness                       Awareness 

Peace                                Eternal Perspective 

Blood                                 First Born 

Grace                                 Amazing Grace 

Exhaustion                          Exhaling 

Rest                                   Refreshed      

Numb                                 Memories 

Sensitive                             Alive

Absent                                With the Lord 

Omnipresent                       My Comfort 

Doubt                                 Opportunity 

Confidence                          Strength 

Holding On                          Sacrifice          

Letting Go                           Blessed 

Mine                                   Gift 

His                                     Purposed 

Falling Over                        Humble posture 

Lifted Up                            Powerful worship 

Out of Sight                        Wait for it

Heaven on Earth                 Butterfly Blessings 

Empty                                Refills 

Full                                    Overflowing 

Questions                           Seeking More of Him 

Promises                             Hope Eternal 

Doubtful                             Transparent 

Purposeful                           Tell my Story 

Needy                                 Needed        

Inspired                              Gift of Exhortation 

Thank you for considering my writing. In the New Testament in the book of James (James 1:2-4) he tells us as well, to consider. As Pastor Chuck Swindoll reminds us in his latest book, "Clinging to Hope", to consider is to "consciously choose to do something, something that doesn't come easy, but takes an act of will."  

God considered you and me in and for a divine purpose. Consider and accept His healing love for you today my friend. 

Considerably yours, 

 

...But in Your Righteous Way

Mourning Duskywing Butterfly 

 Upside down, at a rest,

Gravity pulling at me

Yet I cling to Your Radiance

Your sustenance.

And from the upside down

I can see more of You

Because there...

Here, in You, with You-- my focus

Attaches me to Your Spirit,

Your will.

Align me...Oh sovereign God.

Not with things of this world...

But in Your righteous Way

A silver lining in the pain

Drawn across my humanity

An identity of my mourning

A celebration of my Hope.

Amen

...And Then I Hear Him

I watch, holding my breath

Feeling both pain and overcoming joy.

His tiny features and newborn skin bond to my soul,

As I hold him so close, forever mine.

I ponder motherhood, an honorary role,

Intentional blessedness

So much to learn…

            And then I hear his cry,

            Prayers begin to yearn.

I watch as an angel appears before me

In the garden’s morning walk.

His magnificence shines and I am amazed at the sight.

He speaks words of purpose, a Holy Plan to be

I bow in awe and wonder as He speaks of Coming Light.

How God…why me?

            And then I hear him call me Favored One,

            Mary, so shall it be.

I watch as he grows and discovers,

Curiosity catapults and words articulate.

Motherhood is fun and hard, many surprises and delights.

Settled into somewhat routine

Jotting down memories, maybe some highlights.

The reality of life sets in

Detours appear,  Grace guiding us down the hard road

            And then I hear Him whisper…

            I will help carry your load.

I watch Him grow in wisdom and stature,

In favor with God and man.

Already set to do His Will , teaching

At the Temple, he stayed too long

Asking questions, listening, preparing for preaching…

Soon He would gather

The twelve Fisher’s of Men,

            And then I hear Him announce,

            “I’m about to begin.”

I watch him lay so still

That machine breathing in, breathing out.

Motherhood is love and hope, faith and…trust.

Prayers now in desperation

Oh, how I know God is a stronghold, a must,

As his spirit leaves,

To meet God on that night.

            And then I hear Him comfort me,

            “I promise to make this right.”

I watched Him as they mocked,

Spat at Him and lashed,

He walked with that Cross,

To the hill called Golgotha,  

And one hung alongside to believe

And one paid the cost.

Spikes driven, upright stood.

             And then I hear Him tell me,

            “Behold, your Son, this too will be good.”

I watched Him, again in the garden and beyond

My heart seeking more and longing for the Deeper Things.

His generously guided grace surrounds

To heal , infuse, purpose me

With the supernatural in and around.

I miss him so, it is true,

But the promises are Eternal…

            And then I hear Him give me

            A purpose, for the time here, external.

I watched Him as He died, prepared Him for that tomb

But on that third day, God’s preparation completed the Plan.

All the wrongs in the world hung with Him that day

For He Is God’s Son you see, the final Sacrificial Lamb

Overcoming death and sin, in the blood-price He paid.

Confess your need

Give Him your heart

            And then you’ll hear Him tell you

            I love you My child, and I will never depart.

 Considerably Yours,

Merry Christmas

Coleene 

The Walk

Years of walking,
I've experienced humanity along this path
In gratitude and grief, longing and hoping,
knowing and obeying. 
I've never walked alone. Never.

The Father's plan all along, to do His Will

Today marked the start of a different trek,
One prepared from the very beginning
When the roads started to diverge.
Our efforts in place, the Hope for a cure,
A promise-- if one believes.

The Father's Plan all along, free will.

I knew this time, again, inevitable wounds.
Fear was not an option; it lies, deceives.
We met in the desert, those wilderness places.
It tried walking me to the edge.
I scoff at the ignorance for I see fear's fate.

My Father's Plan all along, forever to reign.

The weight held my feet
As if captured in an animal trap.
With each movement,
Especially the first open-eyed breath of morning light
I knew what must be done.

I'd walk with the burdens, all of them.
With the mocking--loud and the memory crown, piercing.
The silent ones hurt more, those who say but never do,
Who know, yet seek the temporary.
I walk for all. I love for all.

The Father's Plan all along, to give it all over to Him.

With bloodied feet numb
I shed grief's loss to gain righteousness.
Right thinking
Right doing
Right living under and through His Grace.

The Father's Plan all along, Resurrection.

The burden heavy in my human weakness
Yet there are those who help me carry
I arrive and Grace begins.
The promises of Hope plugs in to dance
To the music of victory, to the symphony of purpose.

The Father's plan all along, Merciful Redemption

The Campaign gathers the disciples,
The afflicted, the faithful,
Who walk with me. We grow together,
Learn and listen, pray, Oh, the prayers!
We remember the why and the who.

The Father's Plan all along, Greater Love.

Past, present and future converge.
Hope arises from the intersection,
Where arms stretch out, chests heave,
Legs strain to lift and open lungs
Until its done and history changes.

The Father's Plan all along, that He makes One Way.

Here, death is remembered
But life peers into Eternity
For all those who give of themselves,
Surrender their own will,
And I am redirected to Heaven.

The Father's Plan all along, Communion. 

Peace pours back down
And True Believers receive the gifts.
Hearts and feet walk side by side along the Way
Forever changed, forever comforted, forever loved,
Forever knowing,  His Plan all along...Glory

Considerably Yours,
Coleene VanTilburg

And Now We Know, The Power and Story of the Blood

Before I told his story, he told his story. 

Many listened to him in those wee hours when the hospital is quieter and some try sleeping. That's when he seemed to ramp up the dialogue, and that chosen attentive night nurse came into his room only to stay awhile longer, listening, as some nurses did so well, a skill not requiring a college course.  Tim, my sick son, met several of those along his journey to find the cure and/or the doctor who'd make him his priority. 

The Blood Clot...

It first showed up many years prior, at the age of 11 or 12 I think. This unknown sharp distraction for Tim, nagged and puzzled many and they (professionals) could not quite put their finger on it, give a diagnosis for that certain pain he had in his neck. A pain in the neck...to name what aggravated him, what caused his crying out. Finally, almost 3 weeks and many tests,  by default and a favor from a friend, we went to another county, a new hospital where an ultra- sound detected it. That Blood Clot...almost gone by this time, lodged in an artery in his neck, the carotid of all places. 

We dealt with his chronic kidney condition and other issues through the years. Then, at 19, legs swinging from his kidney doctor's table, he described his chest pain, telling the doctor that he thinks a blood clot invaded his lungs. He TELLS the doctor because he knows this pain. 

Tests the next day confirm it, pulmonary embolism, aka, P.E. 

From that day on, Tim's blood tests became weekly and a new prescription, a blood thinner, became another part of his medical regimen. He'd be in and out of the hospital the next 6 years. 

Looking deeper

Tim met a new doctor, one that wanted to take another look at his problem with blood clots. A genetic factor for clotting became the topic of discussion, something called Protein C deficiency. Tim discontinued the blood thinner meds for a brief time in order to get an accurate blood test. The findings indicated he DID "have some sort of genetic predisposition to clotting," said this doctor. Others were still not so sure. 

Skeptics...and time ticks and then it doesn't. 

In a few short weeks we'd be planning his memorial. I remember thinking at the time, thinking a lot of things, but in particular this, none of this matters any more...

He died physically, a horrible way, broken, bleeding and unable to breathe oxygen into his lungs on his own. But a spiritual death never occurs because of the blood of Christ and in that, my son lives forever and we will see him again. 

I am a Believer and time is Eternal. 

Ten years later, here we are. Healed? Yes. Comforted by Amazing Grace? Yes. Knowing a sovereign and Holy God in a deeper and very personal way? Yes. Wanting to tell his story and my story...God's story all the time? Yes. 

And then we hear those two awful words in an ultra-sound room again,  BLOOD CLOTS. 

Three clots wait in the on deck circle behind Ted, my husband's, knee. Two others already traveled up to his lungs.  It all comes flooding back, the pain, the fear, the questions and the silent stares/prayers of my heart. 

What in the heck did I...we just hear? Lord...get me together before I climb through this wall. 

Before Ted is officially admitted to begin treatment, I relayed a brief history of our son, his "almost diagnosis" of a hereditary clotting issue. Would they check these same factors in my husband's blood before they begin him on blood thinners? They agreed these tests should and would be done. 

This last week, we visited a new doctor in Ted's growing medical community, a hematologist. He will be taking care of Ted's needs concerning the clots as well as the coagulation clinic. 

In his gentle and caring heart, the doctor looked over at me, leaned in and said these words..."I want to know your son's story."  

I've been telling his story, our story for 10 years now. 

I knew he meant medically, but so much more filled up that space between us in those few seconds---never just one thing. Breathe... I feel the spiritual, His Presence. An egg of my womb and my husband's seed created from love for love, if only for a season, but always, always for a reason. 

I want to know his story...

Though it is not protein C deficiency, a gene mutation involving clotting factors lies on Ted's DNA and most likely did on Tim's as well.  Confirmed by a doctor who barely knew Ted much less Timmy,  he took the time to explain many things and listen to Timmy's story. 

Ted will remain on blood thinners for life. We remain to tell the story, write the story. 

I walked back to the parking garage. Ted waited in the front for me to pull around and get him, standing with his walker, his new knee, his infected wrist and his 5 blood clots. My heart heavy and my mind thinking on all this, the emotions began to rise up in my throat but did not quite reach my eyes,  but close. You're still so close son...

An unknown, a maybe, now turns to a known, a yes, another reason...my heart is back-tracking and wanting to blame...If we knew earlier, if someone had asked questions when he was 12...if only... 

That's where the liar, the accuser wants me to linger...but God sends a song to counteract the attack. 

I turn the key and the radio blasts one of my favorite Christian artists, Jeremy Camp singing "Overcome." It is where the lyrics happen to be as I am thinking and almost crying...and the engine starts...but Jeremy's deep voice sings...

"We will overcome, by the power of His blood and the words of His testimony..." 

The Blood...it has power! The Blood, it overcomes, the words of our testimony...they will supersede! Peace passes over me,  through me, like a blood flow, that peace I know from God that He heard my heart cries even when I wasn't even officially praying.  I want to know your son's story...God is so good. 

The next day I am telling this story to my dearest friend. God clears my head once again and shows me His Light. Tim may have received his news too late, but Ted did not. Even after 10 years and moving past, Tim presented his father, his brother, his cousins, his uncle...all of them a gift. Genetics usually happen the other way around, the father relays a flaw, a mutation to the child. But our son, 10 years past his arrival in heaven, lets his dad know, so his dad can live, be prepared, OVERCOME!

Power in the blood, the blood that might tend to clot. And now we know and can treat it.

Power in the Blood, and now we know and can be forgiven and set free and live forever in Heaven.

Power in the Blood, because love lives on and testimony and story needs to keep flowing and demon clots need to dissolve. Strength and resolve sometimes come from the fight, but the spiritual battle belongs to the Lord. Now we know we can overcome. 

And we will. Thank you Timmy for fighting a good hard fight. You didn't have all the answers but that never stopped you from trying to find them. You were on a good road, on the edge of a break through, maybe not a cure but some answers, even way past your time. You never knew for certain,  but we know now. Thank you for pointing the way, even 10 years later and letting us know God is always in control. Thank You God for loving us, grace poured out and received for those who believe in the power of Your blood.

Jeremy Camp ~ Overcome