Reflections on How to be Better

This week encompassed personally for me a conundrum of emotions, a great triumph seeing a dream realized and great sadness as I watched another dream unravel, the latter, a dream sought by many Americans, most notably quoted from the great Civil Rights advocate and inspirational leader of our nation in his day, the late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. This dream:that one day...all men will have equal opportunity and be known by their character, not their skin color. 

I first became aware of such differences, emotions, reactions and protests, the reality of racism in my white suburb of Los Angeles in the sixties. 

I studied race relations in college, took an interest in that very thing. I would not be the "P" word, ...prejudice. 

I thought I was OK. Both of my sons embraced friendships of diversity and the boys all frequented my home quite often. We played sports together, worshipped together, worked together.

Yet this week, I paused an examined my own thoughts, reflected inward, had a few dialogues with others and prayed. I prayed not just for the family of George Floyd, and the horrific incident that resparked an already simmering fire, but I needed to muster up humility to recognize my own bends away from God's truth,  for I am the only one I can change first. 

There is a prayer one needs to say at times like these, taken from Scripture, 
"Lord, ...see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me to the everlasting way. (Psalm 139:24). 

I thought about our country, our world  and all who have spoken out in poetry, music, essays, creative ways to express pain or challenge us in our own thinking. Compiling a few here, I challenge you to reflect as well. 

"As if it harm'd me, giving others the same chances and rights as myself--as if it were not indispensable to my own rights that others possess the same." Walt Whitman, Great American Poet. 

Lord, have I harmed anyone with my words? 

When peoples care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul. 
Langston Hughes, American Poet.

Lord, Am I doing enough, am I understanding? 

After all, Scripture tells us, that Love is action. 

I John 3:18-19 "Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. We shall know by this that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. 

Lord, help me be Love in action, bring me opportunity and may I be obedient to Your direction. Use me as an instrument of Your truth. 

Lord, How do I see people? Do I see them as You do? Always? 

Tupac Shakur, in his rap and poetry spoke from his pain and challenged us. 

"You see you wouldn't ask why the rose that grew from the concrete had damaged petals. On the contrary, we would all celebrate its tenacity. We would all love its will to reach the sun. Well, we are the roses, this is the concrete, and these are my damaged petals." 

While gathering my thoughts and quotes, I took a break outside and captured this butterfly.
Do you see its compromised, tattered wing? 

Can you still see its beauty? The hope? Did it emerge from its chrysalis just for a doomed destiny or will it fly? I believe it will fly for I care, and I want to believe in the good we were created for. It brought me joy, thus it served  a great purpose already. 

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Lord, you gave me a voice. Help me to use it for Your Glory and speak up for injustices. Give me courage Lord to do that very thing. 

Proverbs 31:8-9 (NIV) "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy." 

Father God, guide me in my freedoms to be fair and just and loving, a good listener as well as responding in Your wisdom.  

Are we talking or are we listening? 

One of my favorite scriptures, Micah 6:8 "He has told you, O man, what is good and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God?" 

Nelson Mandela said it well, "For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others." 

So did the Apostle Paul: Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Lord, I humbly ask to continue to free me from my own thoughts that weigh me down and help me to be a chain-breaker for others. 

Psalm 119:45 I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts. 

Such a gift of grace we have received, yet may we never use that gift to inflict ungraceful actions onto another. Forgive me Lord of that sin in my heart. 

Help me Lord to obey and serve You best in Your greatest commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself." 

Galatians 5:13-14 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." 

"I do my best counting on you counting on me." ~Maya Angelou, American Poet Laureate 

Let us count on each other, hold each other up, but let it begin with you and me God.

Tupak Shakur 

Mandisa with Kirk Franklin and Toby Mac 

Essential Thoughts During the Pandemic

This world is taking notice, considering one another. 

Maybe...

Because, we have to.

We've been mandated...

and separated into essential groups. 

Isolated. 

And some essentials have emptied off 

Our familiar shelves, bare

Surfaces exposed,

Surfaces wiped clean

Again and again.

To be cleansed is a good thing.

Humanity rises up to meet the challenge

And we're doing things, amazing things

in our pajama bottoms

With wild, untamed hair

And wild, semi-tamed kiddos at our feet. 

New words and catch phrases in our vocabulary

Begin to define who we are

Right now--but not forever, right? 

Quarantine-fifteen, Zoom meeting, 

Flatten the curve, 

Face masks

and...Asymtomatic.

I've got it...

I just don't know,

Testing.

Shelter in place, containment,

Social distancing,

Tic-Toc...

Tick-Tock

Furlough, Layoff,

Depression, recession

Can't get a deep breath...

Just breathe. 

I've been tested--

Tested and Tried, 

Tired of it all. 

Are we praying more?

More or less, I hope, yes. 

Are we living more?

One might say no, while another

might say, -- might have missed her first word,

That cousin reunion on Zoom,

The hummingbird nest...

The new organizational skills aquired,

The amazing desserts and bread baking

Filling the air with an aroma one can remember.

The garden planted this Spring,

The artist discovered within.

The metaphors are endless

And this virus, relentless.

Now one can deny that this time

Will leave a picture on our heart canvas.

Are we, as humanity still open?

Is the meaning of our lives cancelled?

Or can we take what we've learned, what we've lost, 

And make the best of it and appreciate so much more? 

White roses seem to illuminate in the dark

But one needs to take the time to see them, really look,

Open the Good Book.

Celebrations, graduations

Weddings and Reunions

Plays and concerts

Baseball, Olympians... 

Vacations,

Commmunion

We were created to fellowship with one another,

Cheer each other on--

Break Bread

Make memories,

Remember.

Six feet apart

But never our heart.

Be kind, Be the kind that makes a difference. 

Paint a rock and rock

Those Yoga pants.

Smile at your Grocery clerk

Leave a soda for the Amazon guy 

Cover those rants. Disinfect your mind. 

Breathe and take notice of our stay-at-home, 

Wild hair days as a time we discovered 

So much more. 

Yes, we've lost
But what we gain can
Make a difference in
you, me...
Eternity.

Hummingbird babies hatched yesterday

A baby Praying mantis in my garden 

My friend Darren Rivera has discovered acrylics on canvas. This is a painting of the
Chain Bridge in Budapest, Hungary. He is a gifted musician leading us in worship every week,
but learning and stretching in COVID-19 time.

This is me! I need a haircut!

Here is the second batch of essential health workers painted rocks I created.
A crew of 15 for Emergency room nurse Tanya West (daughter of our bff, Blake)
at InterCommunity Hospital, Covina.

White roses "illuminated" at night,
HOPE IN THE DARKNESS 

Considerably Yours,

Coleene VanTilburg

Journal Entries: My Imperfect Love

What if Mary and Joseph kept a journal? 

Journal Entries

My Imperfect Love

Lord, my young heart bows before You.

How can I be Your servant, be obedient?

I sometimes think of only myself.

Lord, this is not how I should love You?

I long to feel Your presence, be in the immediate.

Lord, I want Your Way. Teach me, show me how to love.

I am imperfect, incapable of loving You as I should.

My prayers seem like the noisy marketplace at times.

Yet, I feel my faith in You stirring me up to know You.

You can move mountains Lord, move my heart

towards Your perfect will; may I see the signs.

My imperfect love bows at the Face of Perfect Love.

I Corinthians 13:1-3  If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and If I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Lord, how can this be? I love her, my betrothed one.

She tells me of such a thing…of a betrayal, yet I must respect her, still honor her.

Love…this love and hope I feel, now…I don’t know Lord. I am so confused.

Father God, I know You are perfect. Your will for me must be perfect too.  Help me Father to do the right thing, to bear this heartbreak. I cannot refuse.

Love cannot be perfect unless I am obedient and dismiss my pride.

Help me to keep loving as You love us.

Oh God. I promise to still be her protector. Help me Lord believe in Your plan,

never my own schemes or what others intend or seek against You for harm.

Give me patience and strength as I prepare for a journey.

We are learning to love, yet help me Lord love more when I can.

I rejoice in life and hope and that You give dreams of revelation to the humble.

Amen

I Corinthians 13: 4-7 Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love grows inside of me. I do not know why I am chosen.

I am imperfect, still a virgin, not knowing yet the life as a wife.

My betrothed, Joseph, he is most gentle and seeks Your will as well.

Thank you for this man who loves me so perfectly and chose to keep honoring me.

You, Father God,  will make a way for us, in this growing life.

I only know in part, yet this Messiah, this baby I am carrying knows in full.

Father, I am to raise up a son, not just any son, but the Holy and Perfect Son of God. This baby--Oh, I cannot begin to understand such mysteries, God with us.

This Perfect Child is to come and be our Savior! One day, I will know fully Your Perfect Love and plan as I have read in the Holy Scriptures. But for now, help me take what I know in part and be all I can be for Mary and this child. I have faith plus,

You have restored my hope and love abides near, in a womb, in our hearts. Thy will be done. 

She bounces gently on the donkey as we make our way on this long journey. It's time for the census. Great is Your love Lord, for Mary, more than I could ever give to her. Greater still,

Your love for us, to send this perfect child in this Holy Way.

I will keep stepping in faith and wait on Your Light as You guide us to Glory.

Here we lay waiting Lord, and Joy is my fill.

His name shall be Jesus, Hallelujah and Amen.

Lord, I feel the pangs of birth. I am Your child, and...You, The Messiah comes to free me, 

to Love Perfectly Your Creation. You have given me favor in my young age

when I only wanted to serve You in my imperfect ways. I have been called Blessed One. Joseph and I remain hopeful in all this secrecy and divine appearances and protection. You are fulfilling the prophetic Word;

in and through us we wage

our love, though flawed. Your perfection will lead us in Faith and Hope.

I look upon Your perfect face, and forever I will love You.

Perfect Love. We believe. Your plan is good

You are the Only Way, the Perfect Love for all mankind.

You are my son, but You are my King.

Help us now Lord to worship You and raise You as we should.

I hold You, I behold You, my son, My Lord, Amen.

I Corinthians 13:13 “So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

John 19: 26-27 “Woman, behold your son, Son, behold your mother.”

John 3:16  “For God so loved the World that He gave of His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life.”

John 1:14 “ And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only Begotten of the Father, full of Grace and Truth.”

 Considerably yours, Coleene 

Christmas 2019

Aaah, Summer

Aaah, Summer. A time for me to wake up when my mind tells me to, not the alarm. Conversation with God in the morning with warm coffee in hand, percolates in me a peaceful approach for the rest of the day. Wellness, mindfulness of His promises, the birds sing for they already know. I enjoy the June “gloom” although I think of it as “beachy” weather and soak up the afternoon rays, tending to my growing garden. I might just take a few pictures and zoom into nature and the wonder of it all, cell phone camera in hand. It’s quiet time, reflection time, assessment time. Yes, I do have a few projects to tackle, creative things I wish to explore and conversations to have. Summer for me brings refreshment, like a refill of a tall iced tea, a diving in to the pool of goodness and remembrance of what God has done, the opening up even more so of the sunflower petals revealing more seeds for His purposes, a little exploring possibly. Summer, a sanctuary season of hope, a peaceful paradise for my soul, an opportunity to listen to my own thoughts and lay them like a blanket against the innumerable warm sand grains of God’s plan.

Aaah, Summer. My phone rings early, very early. It’s my Texas buddy who I’d like to think is so anxious to talk with me, confuses the time difference. Weren’t you suppose to call at 9? Your time or my time? We giggle. That’s OK, because…actually, I am super excited to chit-chat with her! We talk about life stuff, the good and the difficult, past and present, justice and relationships, tornado sirens and preparedness, faith-filled friends and hope in their circumstances. We'll do it all over agan next week, though I hope not so early for me. 

Do you have a friend who points you always to God? Our common concerns leads us to the same conclusion, we must keep trusting Him. Amen.

Aaah, Summer. I hear noises downstairs and I am reminded that today, construction (tearing up before something new comes) begins on a wall in my living room. This rental house, our home the last 12 years needs a few improvements and…its summer, I’m home. 

“Hola… can we come in?”

It begins. I am still in P.J.’s.  I lock myself upstairs and prepare for the day.  It is Tuesday, the first Tuesday of my summer. The gardeners come on Tuesday and I hear the rumble of multiple lawn mowers and blowers.  A bit later, I come downstairs. Now covered in plastic sheeting to protect from dust and flying debris, my living area is off limits. I move around the corner to the hallway and kitchen.

Puddles. Water. Not the kind you want to run through for summer fun.

The toilet downstairs chose to overflow, somewhere between the time hubby left for work and my trek downstairs. I knock on my son’s door and squish onto his carpet.

Aaah, Summer. Our small wet/dry vac does not do the job, so a borrowed one, industrial-size, finds its way from the neighbor’s house to ours. Now, my “quiet world” shouts lawn mowers, hammers, sawzalls, talking construction workers and a large vacuum cleaner.  I settle into my thoughts. My plans are not God’s plans. I hear Him above the noise. 

New things take work. Broken things need attention and sometimes demand it in not such a graceful way. Maintenance is something we must do every day, consistently in our week to stimulate more growth and rid the weeds. You can tell which places do that, those that don't. 

I know which one I want to reflect. 

Aaah, Summer. Maybe it’s not the quiet peace I need to pull into, though that is a good thing, but it's how God shows up in the disruptive places, the over flowing, uncertain places, the messy places. Isn’t that me?

Wake me up God, with your voice of love and hope. Pull me downstairs Lord and deconstruct my attitude and frame again, the parts that do not reflect or lead to Your Glory. Mow me over, Lord, with Your grace and goodness and show me how to best maintain my Spirit towards Your sovereign plan. I long to trust You more with the outcomes I do not yet see. 

Aaah, Summer. One day at a time to shine and prepare for a Harvest of magnificent bounty. Thank you Spirit, like the sunflower, keep my head turning towards You... in anything and everything, in all things. 

Like a Monet painting displayed before me, my butterfly garden is viewed through a lens of construction plastic. Beauty in not just in the ashes but can be displayed in the process as well. 

Considerably Yours... even in construction,

Coleene