Anointed & Appointed Friendship

My Reflective Thoughts on and for Linda Boutin

We found each other in a small group at a time we both were a bit lost. Linda was new to the church and found herself serving in the Dan Vasquez Memorial Library, her comfort zone, as well as the church office. In my grief after the loss of my son, Cathy Hoch and her persistent love, got us together and the three of us became fast friends. Soon, Linda heard from God what He wanted from her, to start a Christian Writer’s Group in the church. As I slowly began to trust and share my own heart in words from a tattered notebook, Linda asked me to partner with her.

With no clue what a writer’s group might look like, or how I might possibly be an asset, this decision changed my life, my walk with God and moved me forward in my own grief journey.

We formatted an outline. It started with Roman numeral I, OPENING PRAYER.

Linda prayed and she frequently used these words: “Lord, INFUSE Your Holy Spirit into our words so that we might give You the glory.”  Amen.

Linda’s friendship infused me, saturated me, filled me with a desire to fellowship with like-minded creatives in the most trusting environment where we could know God and make Him known through our written words.  She had a way of developing a confidence in me and would soon do the same for many women in this church, enabling them to tell their stories of God’s Goodness in the Coffee Break Ministry.

Roman numeral II, the JOURNAL QUESTION. We traded off weeks developing a thought provoking question for our group to ponder. The transparency, the insight, the humor and the tears bonded us as believers to continue what we took in from the sermon on Sunday and apply it to our lives.

Roman numeral number III on our outline: READING TONIGHT. Chapters from manuscripts, poetry, random thoughts and devotionals written in the off hours with hope or just the intent to encourage, filtered first through our group. Linda taught us to use our active voice, to show, not just tell us. She modeled that in her life, combatting and negotiating with a painful and personal disease most of her life, one not many could bare. She did it with bravery and tenacity which I believe kept her with us far longer than any might have thought.

One day, after her and Gary drove me home from an AWF meeting, she had a serious conversation with me. She wanted me to stop sharing my little stories. Growing very comfortable in that, she said it was time for me to move on. What she wanted from me? To write the book, my memoir of all God had done in the last 6 years or so. That is Roman numeral number IV, WRITING TIPS.  

WRITING PROMPT, Roman numeral number V. Last but not least, is Linda’s legacy. She leaves us with a prompt. Everyone has a story to tell of life, love and transformation. We share grief as well as gratitude and sometimes those overlap. We have messy families and challenges. We infuse (that word used on purpose) scriptures that speak only to us at the moment. We encounter people and have experiences, ups and downs, stagnant times and growth. BUT GOD, He prompts us, as Linda so graciously encouraged us to see, to tell of His glory.

As I close in prayer and thought, thank You LORD for my dear, sweet partner and friend, Linda. Our friendship… a gift from God for each other and I will forever be grateful to God for the inspiration to develop a unique ministry, AWF and work beside Linda in Coffee Break ministry. In God’s grace, Year 16 of AWF is going strong and I honor her as I sit in Room 2 every Wed. night with these friends she loved so much. Amen

 I’ll leave you with this quote from C.S. Lewis,

”What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it.”

Thank you for seeing the truth in me Linda, and encouraging me to write about it and lead others to do the same-- all for God’s glory.

 A  hot summer day doing a virtual radio interview for our upcoming writer's conference.

                   "Mary's Tears." -- a sketch I did for our first AWF devotional Advent book. 

Me, Linda and Cathy at a wedding photo booth 

Linda and one of her beloved basenji pups.

Cofffee Break Pajama Night 

AWF Year 15 

 

       One of many outlines for AWF curriculum. 

     Recruiting at church for our writing group, AWF. 

                                      A legacy continued. 

 

 

 

Christmas 2023 Poem

The Divine Waltz

 

Wrought with pain, weary from thoughts

This whirlwind of days wrings me tight to drip

The tears of this divine destiny,

Of the weight carried--

All for Your Glorious Will.

I wish upon the stars

And wonder at the Heavens.

The world closes in;

I wrestle. You wrangle.

The Way is made.

When I consider the Heavens...

Lord, I hear your quiet whisper

Above my humble, heartbroken whimpers.

“Trust me,” even in this wreckage.

Grace-wrapping words for the wounds,

Will-submitting words to You, Father--

That will wage war with every soul.

 

Praying at the wake of dawn--

Weaving more threads into this story.

The waiting is real.

Waves wash over me.

Worthy—Worthy, the Lamb of God.

The watchful gather from the hills

The wise come to adore

You are named, Wonderful, Counselor,

Prince of Peace, Waymaker…

Together we warm-up

While the wicked conjure.

Who You are?  The Son of God--

 Messiah; what promise fulfilled!

Love unexplainable yet attainable

Wipes my slate clean.

Where? In my life, my heart.

My unworthiness made whole.

 

In the wear and tear of the waiting--

Walk with me Lord;

Ward off my will.

Wholeheartedly, I worship You

For whosoever believes,

Surrenders to the wooden Cross--

You Welcome Home, an eternal reward.

 

Double You.

Emmanuel, God With Us. 

And in that, Peace wedges in.

Hope winds tight around me.

Love strengthens my weakness

And the dance with the Divine is

A Waltz of Grace.

 

The Last Petal, a poetic thought from two perspectives of pain and hope.

 

The Last Petal

Two Perspectives

                                                        

Winter rain finally came. 

The dreary hangs over the already weary;

The drizzle, the drench

Does not quench --no foundation

Sinkholes, torrents on every side

Collide. 

 

Break thru the mist--

Prayers for absorption.

Promise of Spring

All things new. 

But it's the same old...

Why this low cloud pressure-

The puddles so blue? 

Need of a sunshine measure

To paint the rainbow smile

Always hope, right? 

I'll plant the seeds,

Grace, stay for more than awhile 

 

Love pulls her feet; let’s breathe together

Look. Listen. See. 

No rain weather.

Find it! Dear one

It's your life raft, Beloved...

 

I just want rest...

 

Closing in, each petal painfully plucked.

I see no beauty now, did I ever?

In Your Creation

“The moon and stars…” she reads

“I am so much more”...she insists.

Am I? 

The bath is drawn to once more 

Try and cleanse the infested.

And in the aftermath 

Of confusion and grief,

You and me memories will never be brief.

The deeper pool of promise

 Intentionally I submerge, 

 

Again and again

For God is good and merciful and true

Even in the last petal, 

Through this new quench of tears,

May Your Glory emerge. 

   Considerably yours,  Coleene   

SUICIDE AND CRISES LIFELINE DIAL 988   

One Year to Sixteen Years

 

Revisited List from Grace Upon Amazing Grace, Chapter 29

One Year to Sixteen Years

Defining Words

After 16 years of Tim entering heaven, I found it interesting to revisit this list I wrote for my memoir on grief. One may find it in chapter 29 titled “One Year.” God prompted me to rewrite the list for such a time as this--how unfathomable time and memories fleet yet leave their everlasting notches. Sixteen years! He’d be 41--surreal; his 42^nd birthday at the end of September. It’s impossible to imagine the 40-year-old Timmy. Sometimes I ponder how he might be living his life. When you’re in the midst of trying to get through a day, maybe a week at a time, the possibilities of future years to come did not manifest themselves too much. I am very aware every day that he is not here, but God has opened up the heavens in such a grand way on earth. An eternal perspective is truly healing. Memories keep him alive and I welcome those feelings. Knowing He is with God and that our gracious Lord made that known to me in such a short period of time— nothing but amazing grace and perfect love in abundance. Who could have known that this pain might be used for His glory? I am thankful for the opportunity to tell my story and be encouraged in my writing. In sacrifice, as you seek His will, blessings come.

 

Worship means so much more to me now. Because of the goodness of the Lord through this hard thing, God’s presence in my life is palpable—comforting me in the large space of Timmy’s physical absence. The butterfly dances on air as a reminder and a symbol of God’s metamorphosis in us all and what He has promised. Growing exponentially in confidence in Him to do things through this story I never imagined, I found purpose in encouraging others, leading groups, taking steps of faith in things and believing in united strength for the impossible. Life is still difficult and prayers await in God’s sovereign queue to be answered in ways I’d never orchestrate. I know the God I serve and He reigns victorious.

I made a choice in my son’s passing. I grieved long and hard yet at the same time I intentionally sought God. Many make a choice at one time or another that they believe in God, in what Jesus took and relinquished on the cross, our sin and separation and what He conquered and what He restored, death and communion once again with our creator—God’s part. The next steps lead us into His will and peace, His righteousness. It takes me with God being intentional to grow, to heal, to find purpose, to gain insight, to see things eternally. So many just stop at the believing. Scripture speaks to that. It’s like getting on a roller coaster and it breaks down half way. He has given me carte blanche to the amusement park, why would I not want to discover more?  In that, I recognize His grace upon grace everyday despite the world’s crazy around me.

One Year, sixteen years. “I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord.”  (Psalm 27:13-14).

 

 

Blessed be Your Name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there is pain in the offering

Blessed be Your Name.

 

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be your Name.

 

You can read these lists 2 ways. First, one list and then the other. But in hindsight, I found reading straight across,--it became even more powerful. That was not intentional by me, but God…He chose to bless me by my own words. Grace Upon Grace.

 

 

Original List                   Updated List

 

Significant loss                   Reality 

Spiritual Insight                  Everlasting Love 

Anxiousness                       Awareness 

Peace                                Eternal Perspective 

Blood                                 First Born 

Grace                                 Amazing Grace 

Exhaustion                          Exhaling 

Rest                                   Refreshed      

Numb                                 Memories 

Sensitive                             Alive

Absent                                With the Lord 

Omnipresent                       My Comfort 

Doubt                                 Opportunity 

Confidence                          Strength 

Holding On                          Sacrifice          

Letting Go                           Blessed 

Mine                                   Gift 

His                                     Purposed 

Falling Over                        Humble posture 

Lifted Up                            Powerful worship 

Out of Sight                        Wait for it

Heaven on Earth                 Butterfly Blessings 

Empty                                Refills 

Full                                    Overflowing 

Questions                           Seeking More of Him 

Promises                             Hope Eternal 

Doubtful                             Transparent 

Purposeful                           Tell my Story 

Needy                                 Needed        

Inspired                              Gift of Exhortation 

Thank you for considering my writing. In the New Testament in the book of James (James 1:2-4) he tells us as well, to consider. As Pastor Chuck Swindoll reminds us in his latest book, "Clinging to Hope", to consider is to "consciously choose to do something, something that doesn't come easy, but takes an act of will."  

God considered you and me in and for a divine purpose. Consider and accept His healing love for you today my friend. 

Considerably yours, 

 

 

 

Where is Your Rest?

Christmas Poem 2022

 

Caesar Augustus, ruler of the Empire

 Reclining on pillows of satin, brow wiped with linens,

 You usher a decree to your subjects-- report and number.

Resting in ability to make men move and heed.

Yet, foretold, only a pawn, 

For in the dawn, Joseph leaves with his betrothed

Registering  his Ancestry of David,

And with her, the Holy seed.

 

Where is your rest, O tyrant of a nation?

In political power, in subjugation?

The manipulation and fear brought,

The bombs you drop?

A True Believer fights emancipation

As refugees cross borders

And kneel in the dust of mortars.

Shepherds, ruler of the flocks

Heads lying on smoother rocks,

The sheep slumber on a clear cold night.

On watch in the fields—your rest

Broken, your bodies unclean

But to you is given a sight unseen.

The Heavens proclaim the New Born King

For all strayed, eyes closed in our dreams.

 

Where is your rest, O ruler of the dark?

Lurking deceiver, a wolf in sheep’s clothing

Determined to snuff out the spark.

Subtle and sneaky if not on our mark.

Spiritual warfare nears and rears

But the Heavens do battle--

Joy in victory tears; chains rattle.

 

Mary, O favored of God

Chosen one, as you proclaim,

“My soul exalts the Lord, and my

Spirit has rejoiced in God my Saviour,”  

“I rest in You as I carry Your Son

Your will be done. Deliver soon.

As she straddles the beast sojourning afar,

A weary couple cannot find a room.

Where is your rest, Joseph, my servant?

For even in sleep, never deep

Your thoughts shake the bed.

You consider the facts,

Angels of dreams confirm your acts

And the Gospel is told to one so bold

As you walk the prophesy tracks.

 

Oh, where is your rest fathers and mothers?

Schools and bedrooms no longer safe

Bullets, pills, predators ready to take

What was once wrong now embraced;

Addiction, depression, estrangement unfaced

Sin remains the cause, fathers and mothers pause,

For Christ’s mercy we pray without haste.

Where is your rest, O little Holy child?

For from You the whole world’s unrest divides.

By Your sovereign plan, You-- the Messiah, Immanuel

Provide the peace for our lives to dwell.

“No rest for the weary,” as some may say

But God, a child named Jesus

–in His grace we are saved!

 

Where is your rest, O children of God?

Do you wonder and question this world—

Where is love? Is God above?

Are you bitter, uncertain,

Angry and alone? Is this really your home?

Come to the stable but kneel at the Cross

Close your eyes, rest, take heart--

Believe! Jesus Christ lights all your dark.

\John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.“

...But in Your Righteous Way

Mourning Duskywing Butterfly 

 Upside down, at a rest,

Gravity pulling at me

Yet I cling to Your Radiance

Your sustenance.

And from the upside down

I can see more of You

Because there...

Here, in You, with You-- my focus

Attaches me to Your Spirit,

Your will.

Align me...Oh sovereign God.

Not with things of this world...

But in Your righteous Way

A silver lining in the pain

Drawn across my humanity

An identity of my mourning

A celebration of my Hope.

Amen

Christmas 2021: The Way Forward

 

The Way Forward

 

Darkness surrounded us.

As I sat you on the beast.

A move imperative,

A prayer for light restorative

No one can understand

How uncertain in this I am.

Can I know truth in dreams?

Is it love that redeems?

 

He’s got the whole world in His hands

He’s got the whole wide world, in His hands…

 

The beast snorts and the travel begins

As the dust settles in our pores.

Alone, yet protected,

A star rises in the East, selected.

 

Shelter comes rough and used

Small and…enough

Rest, dear one.

God is with us, His will be done.

 

He’s got the whole world in His hands

He’s got the whole wide world, in His hands…

 

Can anything good come from this little town?

Apprenticeship, growth and adventure,

Family and human connection--

Continued compassion, Holy protection.

A man born with a purpose

Travels back to the Sea

And gathers the ones who will walk along side,

Preparing for what God will provide.

 

He’s got the whole world in His hands

He’s got the whole wide world, in His hands…

 

And I again, must submit to the One

Though fear and the unknown remain.

My heart fills with Hope in the promises for all

For redemption is the utmost call.

 

Praise be to God for the journeys we’re on

Difficult and unpredictable they may be

For You, Oh God, have a Way so divine,

My prayer for us-- to humbly align.

 

He’s got the whole world in His hands

He’s got the whole wide world, in His hands…

 

 

Merry Christmas to all of you near and far. 

Coleene