Saturday, February 27, 2010

It is Three Years Today

Today , February 27th, 2010 marks the three year passing  of Tim to his eternal home with God.  For my blog posting today, I thought I would share a poem I wrote in the week following his memorial service, capturing Tim's personality, his loves and his friends. This poem and his eulogy became the first few things about Tim I began to pour out on paper and in my computer within  the beginning  months of my grief.  Tim's spirit as well as God's ever present prompting Holy Spirit has given me many amazing gifts of insight over these long three years.  The second item  I am posting is a story I wrote for the subject "Bold (emotionally)" for my Faith Writers web sight in the first year (2007) I discovered this blessed place of growth for me.  In reading these postings, may you remember Timmy today, get to know a little about Timmy and myself, but most importantly, know and feel the Love and Hope God can bring to you even in your most desperate hour of need,  especially in our most desperate hour of need. Timmy suffered greatly in the last three years of his life, God answered prayer by giving Timmy true peace and eternal healing.  I will not cover up that there are hard days for me when I really miss Timmy, but I will shout to the roof tops,  to the mountain tops,  that God's Grace, His Amazing Grace sustains me, lavishes on me and empowers me to continue on.

                      MY TIMMY

              My Timmy embraced life
When pain he was free.
Youthful and idealistic,
Energy like a bee.

Charming and quick
With wit to tease,
An entertainer he is,
An audience to please.

My Timmy loved life,
Every minute was busy.
His voice filled the air,
A personality that was fizzy.

Bubbling and brewing
With effervescent steam;
You had so much potential,
You did have a dream...

Go to college, of course;
Communications he'd take.
To be a sports analyst, your knowledge
You could not fake.

From the Olympics to
World Cup soccer you knew.
The players, their histories,
Baseball and football too.

But college basketball was
your favorite sport season.
To be at Duke or UCLA
Would give you reason...

To jump up and down and
Be a crazy fan.
Your team spirit was contagious;
It was seen in the Chino Football Stand.

There are other things you loved,
Your dog "Chance" for one.
He would make you laugh
And gave you so much fun.

That big pooch could cuddle
On the couch and not get "busted".
Because he was snuggled next to you,
His best friend that he trusted.

You loved to do stuff
With your Dad by your side.
Helping with hardware at work
Brought you much pride.

That tool belt was so cute
around your small hips;
but manly you were
With all your drill bits.

You loved your brother Corey
When in the womb you did inquire,
"Does the baby have Jesus in his heart?",
Your desire,

To love him unconditionally,
Even twice your size he became.
Your big younger brother;
His heart will not be the same.

Timmy loved his Aunt Lauren,
A special bond they did share.
Love of sports and jokes,
Often they would compare.

And the house in Paradise
Where Oma and Opa reside;
A retreat with laughter
And family at your side.

That soccer team was special,
All the boys in red, blue and white.
The memories we'll treasure,
You all bring us joy and delight.

My Timmy loved to "party",
A lot of friends he surely had.
There is Jody and Susie and Jennifer,
Across the street, their pad.

Pier fishing and camping
Or just hangin' out,
Timmy you were fun,
In this there is no doubt.

Kyle and Kurt, some troubles
You two did stir,
But we love you, you know that,
And Timmy was "cured"...

When he hung out with you guys
He learned some hard lessons.
Many memories of growing up
And counseling sessions.

Kasey, Tim wanted to marry you.
His good friend's sister
And great listener too.

I know he must have driven you nuts
But thanks for your patience
And friendship so much.

Rick, you are special,
A "big brother" you portrayed.
Looking to you for courage
And to be brave.

A few short weeks in Tucson;
A chance to be on your own.
But home is where you needed to be.
It is your comfort zone.

James, Jessica and Nate
You are loyal to our family and
Timmy's favorite fans.
You'll be in our lives forever
A reminder of God's plans.

My Timmy was a groupie
Of a band called “Solacz.”
Sam and boys , you rock,
       What excitement, that “party bus!”

Play a new tune now
When you remember your number one fan,
An in”spirit”ational member
Of your soon to be famous rock band.

He loved strawberries, cantalope,
Spunky Steer and Round Table.
Del Taco Chile Cheese Fries
And Sweet Tarts were a staple.

He put sour cream on everything
And Christmas cookies we'd love to bake.
Cheesecake and crochetchas at New Year's
Beer at Kelly's and steak.

To sing Karaoke
And make the girls laugh
You loved to entertain
A great gift to have.

My Timmy loved his game of golf
And quite serious you took it.
From the clubs to the balls and clothes,
You would never want to quit.

Even when at times
You could never walk a course.
You relied on the cart,
And that's OK, it's what works.

I know you loved me Timmy
Because frequently you told me,
By your hugs and your kisses
In silence, they were all we would need.

They told me of frustration,
Forgiveness and hurt.
The tightly held squeeze
Another way to assert.

The words were not spoken
But I know what you felt.
And that always would
Make my heart melt.

My Timmy, I am sorry
For your pain here on Earth.
But I am happy for the memories
And joy you brought forth.

I will love you forever
And a day on top of that.
Hang out with God now,
And to Him I will chat.

To bring me peace and comfort
To know you are all right.
Perfect, with a glow,
Shining in my heart so bright.

Love, Mom
(Written a few days after his Celebration of Life, March 2007.)

A Dark Night...Writing of Tim’s Eulogy

It is surreal.  This cannot be happening, but it is.  It is one o’clock in the morning and my son’s memorial service is tomorrow at five o’clock p.m.  I am facing my computer screen, ready to put down words only God, my son and I know.  These precious words, this “Gift” needs to be shared.  I have not even told my husband about the precious words Tim and I shared just a few days ago...and now he is gone and I have this “gift”...  I am the only one to do this.  I must eulogize my son.

How am I ever going to stand in front of all those people and be so vulnerable, so broken hearted, yet convey this all so important message of Hope and Eternal Life while I speak about my first born, who has now passed into Eternity?

I am one-step away from rolling up like a pill bug and crawling into a dark corner. God has brought me here now and I am sensing His presence and strength as I call on his name to surround me with the Holy Spirit and Timmy’s Spirit.  I open up my word document and begin to unravel the tightness in my chest and give testimony to a special child and a loving God.

I begin to punch the keys and the words are too numerous to describe my son.  I tell about his precocious nature, his energy, his “gift of gab”.  I recall a funny anecdote and talk about his school days and love of sports.  I explain his diagnosis at age four, his relapses, medicines, doctors and surgeries.  I include his struggle that he did not so much convey to many outsiders who knew him as this somewhat annoying, yet funny and charming Tim, who could play eighteen holes of golf with the best of them.

Now it comes, the not so fun side of this life, my son’s life.  I must be honest.  “God, please help me with these words.” 

I tell of Tim’s pain and frustration, his wavering faith and impulsiveness, his cries out to God in anger and his desperate search for healing.  I divulge about a not so perfect son and a not so perfect mom.

“You need to know, there is Good News, and Timmy is OK!  Listen to the gift God gave me!  While he was in his hospital bed in intensive care, he was hallucinating a little bit from the pain medicines and I asked him something, and Tim began to tell me something of great importance to him.”

“Mom, the pencil sharpener is singing to me.  Mom, can you hear it?”

 “It is? I laughed.  What is it singing Tim?”   You proceeded to sing to me; eyes shut but with a smile as wide and as bright as I had seen in days.

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost but now I am found; was blind but now I see.”

Yes Tim, Amazing Grace!  Four days later, you passed into Heaven’s gates and that sweet old hymn will abide with me forever as God’s assurance to me that your healing came through God’s sovereignty in Glory.

I have to share this special moment with the grieving faces that will come to my son’s Celebration of Life service to remember our son and share in our pain.  Tim had a difficult life but he enjoyed it to the fullest whenever he could.  In the end, he trusted God and he knew he would be OK when he let go.

“Through Tim’s short but exuberant life, his bold spirit lives on and the not so perfect kid with the not so perfect mom stands here today to tell you there is hope in an Oh So Perfect God!  Thank you God, for the privilege of being Timothy’s mom.”

I hit the save button on my computer, then print.  Tomorrow I will eulogize my son and share this Amazing Grace.  I will be bold and strong for I must continue this love between a mother and her son and a God and Believers, between the Saviour and the lost.

Matthew 10:19...”Do not become anxious about how or what you will speak; for it shall be given to you in that hour what you are to speak.
Matthew 10:27 “What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops.”

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