Journal Entries: My Imperfect Love

What if Mary and Joseph kept a journal? 

Journal Entries

My Imperfect Love

Lord, my young heart bows before You.

How can I be Your servant, be obedient?

I sometimes think of only myself.

Lord, this is not how I should love You?

I long to feel Your presence, be in the immediate.

Lord, I want Your Way. Teach me, show me how to love.

I am imperfect, incapable of loving You as I should.

My prayers seem like the noisy marketplace at times.

Yet, I feel my faith in You stirring me up to know You.

You can move mountains Lord, move my heart

towards Your perfect will; may I see the signs.

My imperfect love bows at the Face of Perfect Love.

I Corinthians 13:1-3  If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and If I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Lord, how can this be? I love her, my betrothed one.

She tells me of such a thing…of a betrayal, yet I must respect her, still honor her.

Love…this love and hope I feel, now…I don’t know Lord. I am so confused.

Father God, I know You are perfect. Your will for me must be perfect too.  Help me Father to do the right thing, to bear this heartbreak. I cannot refuse.

Love cannot be perfect unless I am obedient and dismiss my pride.

Help me to keep loving as You love us.

Oh God. I promise to still be her protector. Help me Lord believe in Your plan,

never my own schemes or what others intend or seek against You for harm.

Give me patience and strength as I prepare for a journey.

We are learning to love, yet help me Lord love more when I can.

I rejoice in life and hope and that You give dreams of revelation to the humble.

Amen

I Corinthians 13: 4-7 Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love grows inside of me. I do not know why I am chosen.

I am imperfect, still a virgin, not knowing yet the life as a wife.

My betrothed, Joseph, he is most gentle and seeks Your will as well.

Thank you for this man who loves me so perfectly and chose to keep honoring me.

You, Father God,  will make a way for us, in this growing life.

I only know in part, yet this Messiah, this baby I am carrying knows in full.

Father, I am to raise up a son, not just any son, but the Holy and Perfect Son of God. This baby--Oh, I cannot begin to understand such mysteries, God with us.

This Perfect Child is to come and be our Savior! One day, I will know fully Your Perfect Love and plan as I have read in the Holy Scriptures. But for now, help me take what I know in part and be all I can be for Mary and this child. I have faith plus,

You have restored my hope and love abides near, in a womb, in our hearts. Thy will be done. 

She bounces gently on the donkey as we make our way on this long journey. It's time for the census. Great is Your love Lord, for Mary, more than I could ever give to her. Greater still,

Your love for us, to send this perfect child in this Holy Way.

I will keep stepping in faith and wait on Your Light as You guide us to Glory.

Here we lay waiting Lord, and Joy is my fill.

His name shall be Jesus, Hallelujah and Amen.

Lord, I feel the pangs of birth. I am Your child, and...You, The Messiah comes to free me, 

to Love Perfectly Your Creation. You have given me favor in my young age

when I only wanted to serve You in my imperfect ways. I have been called Blessed One. Joseph and I remain hopeful in all this secrecy and divine appearances and protection. You are fulfilling the prophetic Word;

in and through us we wage

our love, though flawed. Your perfection will lead us in Faith and Hope.

I look upon Your perfect face, and forever I will love You.

Perfect Love. We believe. Your plan is good

You are the Only Way, the Perfect Love for all mankind.

You are my son, but You are my King.

Help us now Lord to worship You and raise You as we should.

I hold You, I behold You, my son, My Lord, Amen.

I Corinthians 13:13 “So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

John 19: 26-27 “Woman, behold your son, Son, behold your mother.”

John 3:16  “For God so loved the World that He gave of His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life.”

John 1:14 “ And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only Begotten of the Father, full of Grace and Truth.”

 Considerably yours, Coleene 

Christmas 2019

The Walk

Years of walking,
I've experienced humanity along this path
In gratitude and grief, longing and hoping,
knowing and obeying. 
I've never walked alone. Never.

The Father's plan all along, to do His Will

Today marked the start of a different trek,
One prepared from the very beginning
When the roads started to diverge.
Our efforts in place, the Hope for a cure,
A promise-- if one believes.

The Father's Plan all along, free will.

I knew this time, again, inevitable wounds.
Fear was not an option; it lies, deceives.
We met in the desert, those wilderness places.
It tried walking me to the edge.
I scoff at the ignorance for I see fear's fate.

My Father's Plan all along, forever to reign.

The weight held my feet
As if captured in an animal trap.
With each movement,
Especially the first open-eyed breath of morning light
I knew what must be done.

I'd walk with the burdens, all of them.
With the mocking--loud and the memory crown, piercing.
The silent ones hurt more, those who say but never do,
Who know, yet seek the temporary.
I walk for all. I love for all.

The Father's Plan all along, to give it all over to Him.

With bloodied feet numb
I shed grief's loss to gain righteousness.
Right thinking
Right doing
Right living under and through His Grace.

The Father's Plan all along, Resurrection.

The burden heavy in my human weakness
Yet there are those who help me carry
I arrive and Grace begins.
The promises of Hope plugs in to dance
To the music of victory, to the symphony of purpose.

The Father's plan all along, Merciful Redemption

The Campaign gathers the disciples,
The afflicted, the faithful,
Who walk with me. We grow together,
Learn and listen, pray, Oh, the prayers!
We remember the why and the who.

The Father's Plan all along, Greater Love.

Past, present and future converge.
Hope arises from the intersection,
Where arms stretch out, chests heave,
Legs strain to lift and open lungs
Until its done and history changes.

The Father's Plan all along, that He makes One Way.

Here, death is remembered
But life peers into Eternity
For all those who give of themselves,
Surrender their own will,
And I am redirected to Heaven.

The Father's Plan all along, Communion. 

Peace pours back down
And True Believers receive the gifts.
Hearts and feet walk side by side along the Way
Forever changed, forever comforted, forever loved,
Forever knowing,  His Plan all along...Glory

Considerably Yours,
Coleene VanTilburg