Journal Entries: My Imperfect Love

What if Mary and Joseph kept a journal? 

Journal Entries

My Imperfect Love

Lord, my young heart bows before You.

How can I be Your servant, be obedient?

I sometimes think of only myself.

Lord, this is not how I should love You?

I long to feel Your presence, be in the immediate.

Lord, I want Your Way. Teach me, show me how to love.

I am imperfect, incapable of loving You as I should.

My prayers seem like the noisy marketplace at times.

Yet, I feel my faith in You stirring me up to know You.

You can move mountains Lord, move my heart

towards Your perfect will; may I see the signs.

My imperfect love bows at the Face of Perfect Love.

I Corinthians 13:1-3  If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and If I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Lord, how can this be? I love her, my betrothed one.

She tells me of such a thing…of a betrayal, yet I must respect her, still honor her.

Love…this love and hope I feel, now…I don’t know Lord. I am so confused.

Father God, I know You are perfect. Your will for me must be perfect too.  Help me Father to do the right thing, to bear this heartbreak. I cannot refuse.

Love cannot be perfect unless I am obedient and dismiss my pride.

Help me to keep loving as You love us.

Oh God. I promise to still be her protector. Help me Lord believe in Your plan,

never my own schemes or what others intend or seek against You for harm.

Give me patience and strength as I prepare for a journey.

We are learning to love, yet help me Lord love more when I can.

I rejoice in life and hope and that You give dreams of revelation to the humble.

Amen

I Corinthians 13: 4-7 Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love grows inside of me. I do not know why I am chosen.

I am imperfect, still a virgin, not knowing yet the life as a wife.

My betrothed, Joseph, he is most gentle and seeks Your will as well.

Thank you for this man who loves me so perfectly and chose to keep honoring me.

You, Father God,  will make a way for us, in this growing life.

I only know in part, yet this Messiah, this baby I am carrying knows in full.

Father, I am to raise up a son, not just any son, but the Holy and Perfect Son of God. This baby--Oh, I cannot begin to understand such mysteries, God with us.

This Perfect Child is to come and be our Savior! One day, I will know fully Your Perfect Love and plan as I have read in the Holy Scriptures. But for now, help me take what I know in part and be all I can be for Mary and this child. I have faith plus,

You have restored my hope and love abides near, in a womb, in our hearts. Thy will be done. 

She bounces gently on the donkey as we make our way on this long journey. It's time for the census. Great is Your love Lord, for Mary, more than I could ever give to her. Greater still,

Your love for us, to send this perfect child in this Holy Way.

I will keep stepping in faith and wait on Your Light as You guide us to Glory.

Here we lay waiting Lord, and Joy is my fill.

His name shall be Jesus, Hallelujah and Amen.

Lord, I feel the pangs of birth. I am Your child, and...You, The Messiah comes to free me, 

to Love Perfectly Your Creation. You have given me favor in my young age

when I only wanted to serve You in my imperfect ways. I have been called Blessed One. Joseph and I remain hopeful in all this secrecy and divine appearances and protection. You are fulfilling the prophetic Word;

in and through us we wage

our love, though flawed. Your perfection will lead us in Faith and Hope.

I look upon Your perfect face, and forever I will love You.

Perfect Love. We believe. Your plan is good

You are the Only Way, the Perfect Love for all mankind.

You are my son, but You are my King.

Help us now Lord to worship You and raise You as we should.

I hold You, I behold You, my son, My Lord, Amen.

I Corinthians 13:13 “So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

John 19: 26-27 “Woman, behold your son, Son, behold your mother.”

John 3:16  “For God so loved the World that He gave of His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life.”

John 1:14 “ And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only Begotten of the Father, full of Grace and Truth.”

 Considerably yours, Coleene 

Christmas 2019

A Story of Inspiration within an Aspiring Writer's Group.

Have you ever "signed on" to a commitment with just the notion...you'd give it a try and see what happens?  Starting in Spring of 2009, the writing group I co-lead with my partner and friend Linda B. was just that; Linda  had an inspiration, a challenge within her soul,  and she asked me to partner with her to form a writing group at our mutual home church, Chino Valley Community.  This is our story, a story of  RESTORATION, PURPOSE, STEADFASTNESS, STRENGTH, UNITY, VICTORY, MIRACLES and DESTINY brought forth in a tangible publication, "Christmas Inspirations."  

First, let me tell you a little about my friend, Linda.  A transplanted midwesterner, Linda attended San Diego State Univ, graduating summa cum laude with her degree in journalism in 1993.  It is there she met Gary, her husband.   Linda would go on to work as an Intern/Researcher for San Diego Home Garden and Lifestyles magazine where she continued to hone her skills as both a writer and editor.  After graduation she was promoted to Copy Editor/Proofreader.  She also had the opportunity to write the film column, special events, and restaurant reviews.

It was in 1979 when things took a turn for her.  Diagnosed with a intestinal condition called "Chronic Idiopathic Intestinal Pseudo-obstruction,  "I spent the next seven  years on total Parentral Nutrition and an additional three years on hydration therapy," writes Linda in our on-line quickie interview.  In layman's terms, she could not eat as others and her physical health  was very compromised. After gaining some stability, Linda suffered two major setbacks in which she came close to losing her life, once in 1995/96 and again after moving to Chino in 2000, a major setback in  2007/08.  Even though I had never met Linda; I was praying for her .  We shared a mutual friend, Cathy.   It is in this last block of time that I would hear her name through this  friend, a special person in both our lives,  who was ministering to both of us. I met Linda when she started coming to my small group.  By then, I was beginning to explore my own writing possibilities, expressing my grief (after loosing our son in Feb. of 2007)  and comfort from God in journaling and writing devotionals and stories for Faithwriters.com.  I was only sharing with a few "safe" friends.  Linda had buried her idea of becoming a writer again, discouraged for many years with her illness,  God continued to bring miracles of survival to her life and she knew God was telling her, through many encouragements from our friend Cathy, that she had more of "her story" to tell, that God had a plan for her.  (Do you see God at work here?)  

Not long after our son passed away, we moved.  I quickly learned that my new friend Linda, her husband Gary and beloved dog, Kindu,  were neighbors.  One day, Linda approached me with a  crazy idea.  "Would you like to start a writing group with me at the church?"  

"A writing group?  Who would join?...most people like Bible Study on Wed. nights...

Yep, those were my thoughts...not really negative, not wholly positive...just well, OK...we will give this a try.  If anything, we will have put forth the effort to try something different.  So, Linda and I, with the blessing of our ministry director, Jan, added "Aspiring Writer's Forum" to the calendar of Chino Valley Comm. Church. on Wed. evenings.  August  2009, the table went up for Fall class sign-ups.  We were to meet in our church library, and Linda and I started to plan class outlines and writing exercises and purchase journals. To our amazement (and why are we so amazed at what God does...after all, He is God!), we had several sign-ups.  We would start each class after prayer with a thought provoking "journal question."  Usually this question had something to do with the previous Sunday's sermon.  Everyone journaled, and then we shared...well not every one at first...but as more became vulnerable and began to share...the unity and trust began. This is how the walls came down...the ground work began...the dirt sifted and the Trust framed up in a new restorative process through the lives of those special people who took the risk and signed on.  Each will tell you of their own reluctance to be in a class as this.  Each will tell you of the weeks each kept walking back in, amazed at what God was doing amongst us, each will tell you of the Joy this class has brought to their lives. Chino Valley Community Church's Aspiring Writer's Forum had a greater purpose than we could have ever imagined in those first few weeks.   

We wrote and self published a book in nine months!  The DNA of nine aspiring writers created a booklet of Advent Stories, one for each day of December, culminating in THE Christmas Story as told in Luke 2.  Christmas Inspirations began as a "Kingdom Assignment" : a challenge from our pulpit, to take something little,  whether it be money,  talent or just sheer will and GROW it for God's Glory and to serve others. (http://kingdomassignment.org/KAfaqs.php).  After all classes took a break for the summer, we continued on, learning all we could about telling powerful stories, editing, --humbleness, graphics, art --and personal taste, about copyrights and public domain,  disappointments and new opportunities, about pagination, collating and book binding.  Through all this we prayed, and we kept evil far away.  

On Saturday, Oct. 16th, we came together for our final effort to bind this work of Love together--500 books.  Bringing the two binding machines to Irene's' house was someone else very important in this effort,  Mark, Cathy's husband. He  is a supervisor at a large industrial printing company.  While their company could not print our books for us, we decided the best way was to print on our copier at church in off hours, (with their blessing,  but not free).  Mark also helped us with a discount on paper.  Towards the end of summer, Mark had a very serious accident at work, nearly losing his hand. Without going into detail here, Mark never wavered on his effort to help us see our project to the end, despite his traumatic hand injury.  

"Christmas Inspirations" is now available for purchase.  The proceeds are designated for scholarships to  benefit children in our area to attend summer camp; this "Kingdom Assignment" now reaping the profit.  In these difficult economical times, we can see the multiplication of a "few loaves of bread  and some fish" and God's provision.  We are thankful and blessed.  Enjoy now the pictures of this effort and please, don't hesitate to purchase your own copy.  

P.S.  This September's sign-ups saw all original writers return plus we have added some new "rookies" to the mix. We  moved to a bigger classroom, the excitement looms  and although we are not ready to take on another project right now, we continue to encourage each other in our writing goals and inspire each other to their "writing destiny." 

working this summer at my house

Carl, the serious one, Rose, the college English prof and Irene, a world-wide missionary

Linda, our fearless leader, Gary, her sidekick husband, myself, and Kaela, are Hawaiian princess

Kaela and Barb, putting the back and front covers together.  

Carl,  our mid-term edition to our group, always inspiring!  

Mark, despite his mangled hand, working the hole punch machine.  

front cover and back cover, artwork by me!  

The "Double Wire O's" and the machine that "Binds"  Thank you L.G. for your effort here.  

This is L.G.  He is a new member this year and anxious to learn how to express himself in writing in English,  He is from China.  We had a lot of fun with idioms in the English language while working that afternoon.  

Linda, my partner and friend.  

Thank you Irene for your great hospitality and always positive attitude and wisdom.  

Cathy, responsible for bringing Linda and I together, Linda and Irene

Gary, carefully counting and packaging our books when complete.  

A Season of Harvest for both of us!  

Barb, our graphics expert.

Forty in each box, ready to sell  

Our group: new member L.G., Gary and Carl
Kaela, Rose, Julie, Linda, Barb, Coleene, supportive friends, Cathy and  Mark, missing member,  Sarah.  

Jesus says:  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matt. 11:28  ( NLT)

A Rooster Leads A Chorus, A Baby In The Womb Leaps For Joy,  Tears Reflect a Blessed Life, A Camel Is Missing In Action, Mice Create Music...Read These Stories And More in "Christmas Inspirations", An Advent Compilation Of Chino Valley Community Church's Aspiring Writer's Forum

CV

My Own Adullam

(this is a personal description of many dark days after loosing our home to a fire in 2003 but a beginning of a journey that would be a refiner's fire for me; giving me strength yet to face more dark days to come.)


When I first entered the cave, it had a night manager, two levels of compartments, an ice machine and cable TV. We had escaped, found temporary shelter and would now wait until the "all clear" sign would rise again. The Season of Harvest was upon us, but my fields were burned now. The building up of worldly wisdom and independence from the Source had allowed an ignition, a spark of self to enflame this vanity I could not let go of. Clinging on with both arms left me without hands in which to touch the Wisdom of the Ages, to embrace the Spirit of Peace. My voice would speak of faith but unmatched to my heart. My trespasses would keep me afar. Now I am a cave dweller, left to leave my etchings on the wall.

James 1:7-8 For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

We would migrate from cave to cave, the children restless, unable to mask their disappointment. The unfamiliar ground and steps into personal space took its psychological toll. The caves would become darker, damper, infested with vermin visible in daylight; slithering in at night. One child chose to stand guard over the ashes and cling to familiar ground and familiar routine. The other child, already numb from disease, raged against the reality of cave dwelling; his etchings at times overtaking my own.

I Samuel 22:1a So David departed from there and escaped to the cave of Adullam…
Psalm 13:1-2 How long, O Lord? Wilt Thou forget me forever? How long wilt Thou hide Thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul? Having sorrow in my heart all day?

The rains came; the flood streams washed away known paths. The journeys began to increase for the sick child, finding peace only in an institutional cave, but still a cave; the poison flowing more directly into his veins.

Psalm 61: 1-2 Here my cry, Oh God; give heed to my prayer. From the end of the Earth I call to you when my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.


I found God's light around a corner of the cave one day. I would find myself spending more time there, basking in His sunshine. My etchings became journals full of scripture and prayer and blessings. One hand was feeling the scar in the center of his palm and our fingers became entwined. The music vibrated off the lichen-covered cave walls. The darkness began to lift. The cave would not change, the vermin still around, but this cave dweller would find new strength.

Psalm 28: 6-7 Blessed be the Lord, because he has heard the voice of my supplication. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him; and I am helped. Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him.


Coming out of the cave would take a new faith, empowered through Christ, personally. The previous shelter which had taken up so much space in my heart would not be made whole for us to boast in. Obedience would allow for a step out of the cave and into trust and a realization of purpose. One child would go on to find that same purpose in Glory with the Father; his healing only coming when God took him home, an address now in Amazing Grace. The strength to endure that pain came from the Comforter's echoed calls through the darkness reverberating in my soul. One child would walk away from the ashes he felt responsible for and rebond with family and regain self-worth; the cave only a faded memory. I await his own etchings for I know they are hidden in his heart.

Isaiah 40:31a Yet those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength…

To live in a cave is a depressing, lonely, damp place where sometimes God takes you to prepare you for His purpose. Once we enter in, we can see in the dark if we know where to look. God will shine His light, showing the way out, revealing His divine purpose.

I Peter 1:7 …that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Have you had a time in your life when you felt unsettled, felt like a wandering Israelite looking for the promised land or in the "pits" for a season knowing you were going to come out only after being honest with yourself and God? Please share.